The Secret Keeper

~Pity~

2012-01-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

Frost on his front step,

frost on his windows,

frost on his heart.

Alone

choice.

Frost on his favorite bottle,

one long icy pour,

warms its way down

drowning his molten rage.

Alone

action.

A sister turned cold.

Her husbands fury fiery.

Children glower with disappointment,

relationships ruined by pity.

Alone

and

lost

his

own

indifference.

2011-02-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Your head

held

against

my heart.

My heart

once

your heart

now just ash

encased

in stone,

much like

my soul...

The Healing Soup

2011-01-06T18:42:00.000-08:00

Walking to my car,
a chilly breeze throws my hair into my eyes,
a row of razors slowly slicing through my lower-back...
or so it seems....
I must make soup.
The need is beyond a craving,
beyond a desire...
it is simply as it should be today.

Walking into the house
the freezer calls me.

It is time to dig...
find the golden nuggets
that will make this beautiful stew.

Locating a pack of turkey wings
I knew they were perfect.
Meaty, full of flavor and plenty of oil from the skin
I throw them, completely frozen, into my largest stockpot,
along with a large onion and celery.
Boiling the hell out of it for hours upon hours,
adding dried garlic, dried peppers, rosemary...
scents begin to dance in our home.

The soup is singing.

Deboning and readding the meat to the broth...
Adding a small bag of frozen mixed vegetables...

Soup is the balm to my battered body and soul
The broth my salve.

~Masks~

2010-12-24T14:21:00.000-08:00

One thing I've been thinking about recently are the masks I own. I'm fairly certain they are the same masks EVERYONE owns... happiness, strength, determination, anger, etc. Those emotions we "put on" to hide deeper, more vulnerable feelings. When I'm honest with myself, I can say that fear, rage and loneliness are my big three. Those are the main emotions I battle. Most of the time I win, sometimes I lose and when I lose...it's {as my son says} EPIC. I have an amazing life. A husband who adores me, children who are healthy, brilliant and loving, as well as a home that I treasure. Yet, I still battle back those damn demons from my childhood. I keep hoping that one day I'll open my eyes and it will all be erased, gone forever from my memory. One big black blissful hole in my mind. But, no. It's always there. So, I continue to pull from my cabinet of masks.

Everyone has their own cabinet of masks,
whether they choose to claim them or not.

~Life, I suppose~

2010-12-20T13:47:00.000-08:00

Christmas is in five days...

   In five days our kids will be seeing presents under the tree, eating ham, spending time together and grumbling about being pinched, poked and prodded. I opened the half-dozen cards we received over the weekend and one was from my brother. The last time we spoke, well, we weren't speaking. He was yelling horribly hurtful things, I hung up on him and ended up throwing my cell phone across the kitchen. That was on August 16th and we haven't spoken since. This morning I also read a message from my sister..."I love you and miss you dearly". Couldn't help but laugh. The holidays are sure making them sentimental. I wonder if she remembers telling me that I was weak because I am still affected by my childhood, and as for the memories of our father sexually molesting me, her words were "just get over it". A lifelong friend turns away in anger over minor disagreement, leaving me confused and hurt.

   No desire to reconcile and repair, relationships thrown away like discarded wrapping paper. Is it the season? Is it the darkness of this holiday? What can be causing this blanket of black mood? Well, I've chosen to walk away. Reaching out has not worked, so I turn away and live my life without these individuals.

   Goodbye to my siblings...goodbye dear friend. Good luck to each of you. I cannot leave my heart broken...
that's life, I suppose.

~The Lighthouse~

2010-09-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Darkness below my feet,

light above.

Ascent my only option.

Sharp voices beat the cold bricks.

Icy, worn stone

made hundreds of years ago by icy, worn men.

Darkness bites my feet

threatens to drown,

as I look up at a brilliant, warming light.

Not alone

yet

alone while

blackness crushes me...

Emerging beneath

warmth,

beneath life,

I look down and know...

with ascent,

there is descent...

and darkness
patiently

waits for me.

The Visit

2009-12-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

Driving away from my brothers house, I immediately thought of Abraham Lincolns' words:

"The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew."

How can you convince someone that life is worth living when they cannot see the fact for themselves? CAN you? How can you tell someone that the past has become a slowly tightening noose around their neck, when they refuse to open their eyes and see the rope?

I have watched a family dissolve as I've grown older. Eaten apart by regret, remorse, addiction, rage, grief and denial...our family lived on lies and marches on with those same lessons. Lies, a common thread among all.

Being the youngest in the family afforded me the opportunity to watch my brothers and sisters as they navigated through decisions that determined their fate. However, being the youngest in the family afforded me the horror of watching my family crumble, my siblings go their own ways, connections lost, lives once brilliant and bright now scarred, damaged and forsaken.

Have I been sickeningly happy my entire life? No. Have I been perfect and entirely without flaw? No. But I've been walking with purpose, learning as I go, ever mindful of those that have died and those that are working hard at it for some un-Godly reason.

I suppose Agatha Christie said it best:

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

Yes. I do enjoy life with all it's heartache and misfortune sandwiched between the moments of giddy bliss. That is life to me and I couldn't imagine NOT experiencing it full-force.

~crystalline~

2009-11-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

clarity

crystalline

floods my brain

alone again

always

this

beautiful

sweet smoke

whispers knowledge

to my brain, to

these veins

flooding

truth

I am

alone again

always alone as this

succulent solitude

envelopes me

swaddles

and I

am alone

again always

alone always alone

again always alone always

JESUS, WHY AM I ALWAYS

ALONE?!!

forever
alone

just

me and my

beautiful

whispers

to keep me

company.

Once so precious...

2009-11-16T07:00:00.000-08:00

Driving home from the store, I saw her...
she was lying, broken, in the middle of the road.
Twisted, shattered,
her limbs torn.

Sitting there, I wondered why she had been discarded so carelessly. Who could throw such a beautiful creation away,

and yes, she had once been so beautiful, this precious little doll.

And I immediately thought of my mother.

~The Retreat~ Post #2

2009-11-14T14:27:00.000-08:00

so many things have been called into question in my mind, regarding many things, this year.

as you are learning, i'm not one to hold my emotions in, as far as writing goes. they have to come out, otherwise i drown in them. after having many, many discussions with my sweet Steve about the direction in which our life is going over several months, this blog came to mind.

what do you do when in your pursuit to help others... those closest to you decide to turn on you in anger, unable to understand your motives to undertake this task?

allow me to explain. 13 years ago i volunteered for Hospice in San Diego and it was a wonderfully fulfilling experience. i had to leave due to the impending birth of my second child and never got the chance to go back. once we got here, i saw they had a lovely Hospice facility and have longed to go back. this past book signing season, every event, 2 or 3 people that came up to me to discuss the book would be connected with Hospice. i took that as a sign that i was being directed BACK, i was being TOLD to go back. so i signed up and have completed the training. i signed up to be on the Bereavement Team as well as go into the Joyce Goldenberg Hospice Inpatient Residence Center. i want to give back... i want to help. that's all. in the paperwork, i had to give two references, so i gave them. i guess they sent out some paperwork, asking questions. one of the people called me. drunk.

he started off asking if i was sure i wanted to do this. i assured him the best i could. he then started getting mean. talking down to me. as if i was stupid for doing this. calling me shallow for thinking i could help ANYONE, when i'm still dealing with my own issues. "i'd forgotten about November 19th until YOU moved back into town! i mean, who makes their kids celebrate a dead womans birthday? that's just morbid! to sit down and watch a movie, eat food she made... makes no sense. when she died, her dates died for me. i don't understand why you would put your kids through that!" i was floored. how is that an issue? he THEN said that he is positive i am doing this NOT to help others, but because i want to get something out of it for myself. i told him that it wasn't true.
i just want to help people that are currently going through what we went through. he yelled "AND I THINK YOU ARE FULL OF SHIT!" this continued until i finally said i had to go.

he ended the conversation by saying "i think this is a mistake. when you hit that hiccup in the road, AND YOU WILL, just know you can call me and talk to me. i'm here for you. and i love you."

how do you balance a life of peace with a lifetime of turmoil? can you?

hanging up the phone, i sat down, shed a few tears, and told Steve that i just wanted to leave. leave everything. get in the van and drive until the tank was empty, he looked at me and said:
"I was just thinking I wish I could take you away from here".

later on, in the middle of a glass of wine it struck me that in my deepest heart i'm a solitary person for a reason. because if i lock my inner-self away, i can't be hurt. and i felt myself retreat from everyone again.

The Secret Keeper ~ Post #1

2009-11-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a unique forum, so I demand the utmost respect be used when commenting, considering some issues will be delicate and you will not agree with everything you read and/or comment.

My story is similar to most in this world, so I will post blogs to open up discussion, hopefully create a rich environment where hearts will break sharing memories and afterwards, mend with new purpose.

This first blog will be about just that... purpose. Let us begin, shall we?

A new year is on the horizon and deep in my bones I feel an excitement building, an anticipation for a new life that is sparkling fresh, scrubbed free from all the bitterness of the past, dipped clean of all the ragged sores that have plagued our little family. So many new changes coming, huge changes. What an exciting time for everyone in our family.

Looking around, I see so many of my friends and family standing at the precipice overlooking a new beginning and I can't help but be excited for them, as well. How can any cup be half empty? If your eyes are open, if you are able to breathe and laugh, you are better off then many in this world, which leads me to the purpose of this blog.

I COULD ask the traditional question "What is your New Years Resolution"... ahh, but most people that know me, know that I am one to make you think. Instead, I will ask the following: "What was the greatest lesson you learned over the last year? What has been your highest point and what was your lowest? What did you learn from both?" Share, so we may learn from each other.